My words are God given, and so sharing what I
write, is a not just a need,
it is a must, a way to share the 'talent' he
entrusted with me.
Prayers for the slowly growing closer #1-22
Prolog:
Gift wrapped
Subjective suspense
detailed the penning of me.
My sins and sorrows were uncovered
one by one and inked into darkness.
I wrote what could not be spoken
and gave life to that
which had want to remain buried.
Of all the blunders recorded in my life
neither my sanity nor lack thereof
were excluded.
I held tightly to my pen
for I thought it a savior,
oh so certain that I would soon
be able to write myself wings.
But my pen and I
we did not fly,
instead with leaden feet
my paper turned cold, unfeeling
and eventually unyielding.
Dreams collapsed inward;
exhaustion was not excused
nor forgiven.
Silence and my pen
argued and angered.
On the altar of absolution
I laid it down - but no respite
was to be found, my words
still had need of pardon.
Round and round they wound,
expanding, awaiting a sky high
explosion.
When back to earth I crashed,
in desperation, I penned a single prayer.
I watched it come to life and soar
upwards...my transformation began.
I gave my pen to God;
He gift-wrapped it
with his blessings and
gave it back again.
1. Shortcomings
Lord, for me to grow, I know
that I must welcome the illumination
of my limitations, as humanly hard
as that may be.
But with the darkness I left behind
nipping at my heels, I do not
hesitate to plead, floodlight
every dark corner of me; fill me
with your knowledge; lead me
close enough to comprehension
to grasp it and hold on tightly.
Open my mind that I will live
daily trusting in what I do not understand,
and walk strong in the Faith that You do.
Lord grant me wisdom to overcome.
Open my eyes. Teach me to lean
into You that this day might end
facing forward, ever reaching past
today's shortcomings.
2. The Rapids in the River
I hear them approaching Lord;
the rapids are roaring.
Edging side to side,
I desperately look towards
my old favorite-avoidance.
But escaping to the shore
is not an option;
I have put this off
far too long, this time,
I must get past them.
Scarred and battered from
the river's roughness; I look up-
I cannot do this with You.
Cement my trust to each side;
save me from backwards slipping,
fighting twists and turns,
tumbling over the same curves
again and again.
I dare not utter a word,
my voice is gulped
somewhere in my middle,
but my heart is fixed
on the promised calm
up ahead. Certainly,
you are my strength
and my stability Lord.
I could never claim
faith to walk on water,
I only ask help to stay put,
that I might reach my goal
intact and still inside
the boat.
3. Thorns
Lord, in your name, we are coupled-
however unholy we have made
the linking to be, and my selfishness
would loudly howl and complain
of the pain, but my spirit pleads
take not this struggle from me.
Freedom's lifelong dream
now finally forsaken, has at last
awakened realization- this strain-
this pain that I thought was
too much to take, is instead,
painfully purposed, it is directly
embedded into my trusting.
It keeps me reaching
for thee.
Negate hostility with understanding,
let me not glory in weakness.
Replace harshness with sensitivity;
fill me with compassion
for wrongs suffered, take not
this thorn from me Lord,
instead I pray, open my eyes
and reveal the roses to me.
4. Submission
All of a sudden the pile of injustices
I have carried for longer than
I can forget grew so high
that I could no longer see
where I was going.
Time held still.
The Lord and the stop sign
were all that were watching
as each one was wept free.
Thank you for the barrier
and the detour to forgiveness.
The weeping weaves the road
to submission and with words
cracked and broken I pray,
Not my will Lord,
but Thine.
#5 Enlarge my cup
Acquainted with existence where waiting-
hoping to die is the best part
of the day, I was blessed by your touch.
My smile now says that waiting to die
has taken on a whole
new meaning.
I will never go back,
ignoring the stench of my
death permeated
arguable subsistence.
I ask for more, but
this tiny thimble I have equipped
myself with is inadequate
Lord let me not limit
your magnitude.
I do not want only what is necessary.
Of you my Savior,
I want all that is humanly possible
and more; pour into me
Your love.
As I attempt to achieve
greater intimacy with you, I have
only one request my Lord...
enlarge my cup.
#6 Light from within
Once again your stronghold
taunts the distance
between us - before thinking I
swiftly kick it.
My foot penetrates deeper
than intended,
the sharpened shards of
your defenses now grip
tightly and I cannot back out.
So I step in swinging
but my fists pummel into
nothingness, for my own anger
breeds blindness.
This fight does not have a
black-eyed winner and
my attack has sorely
grieved the spirit within.
A little is the same as a lot
where darkness is concerned;
it has a way of spreading.
It secrets itself away lest
the Light be let in.
I think I know what I think I
know but I how can I wave my thoughts
before me as a lantern to
illuminate you when I stumble in
darkness?
Lord I humbly ask, give me Light
shining truly from your presence
within.
#7. Broken Laces
The dark one with adept ease took
hold of a human tongue and used it
to heap self righteous derision
on her otherwise empty plate.
Her only viable defense, closure.
She was safely unreachable-
tied uptightly.
There were words in plentiful measure
but no one to hang them on;
her lips were locked.
Blame sifted silently into place.
Tongue tied, he was left to puzzle
over the quiet space
that lifelessly lingered.
With a pointed finger
he painfully probed but could
not penetrate
her practiced lacing.
For years she kept her emptiness
deftly hidden, vowing that she would not
let it be poked or prodded
out into the open
ever again.
Concealed against enlightenment
obscurity increased greatly in measure,
until when nearly sightless
she learned of a Savior with Love
enough to die for her.
He reached to her with open arms.
To reach back, she must come out
of her hiding place.
Her untouchable knots became his
untied filaments.
Lord take away
the need for tightly tied laces-
throughout my inner fastenings
weave your loving grace.
Put me back together,
as You would have me.
#8. Under construction
The highway and I are under construction;
every day the Lord and I travel back
and fourth over the four lanes.
I thank Him for the time between here and there
that we have to share.
My folly has placed a mountain in my path
and to me the removal of such is a massive task,
but
by faith I am given the use of an instrument of
authority.
It has such power that alone I cannot shift the
gears
and give it gas.
Fortunately for me Your hands are on the wheel.
Given that you see the finished product must make
make the steering easier for you know
the valleys need filling and through which
we must traverse.
And much more than I, you know
what I am not yet ready to overcome and how
to build an overpass.
Pave me with patience Lord, for the times when
you change the light to red;
let me need not evidence that you are smoothing
the rough spots in the way ahead.
And when tears roll down let me not
set off too fast and furious, lest I be judged
by my own hasty proceedings.
I know not the blueprint, but I am confident
that you, the Creator do.
Each time we progress another bit of the finished
product is revealed,
but unlike the roadway that has a estimated date
of
completion, Lord, I pray you never stop
refining me.
#9 I say thank You
I am inadequately worded to explain
that your Grace and Mercy abounds,
but testimony has been poetically chronicled
for anyone to read where I came from
and where I am now.
You are my verse and the song in my heart,
hope and support for the times when I fear
falling short of the goal.
I carried guilt and sin for much longer
than was necessary, much longer than your love
intended.
But in my life, love was more than nonexistent,
nothing less than Holy could have liberated my
heart
from its blackened beating.
Now faithful devotion is dissolving
the bars behind which I previously subsisted;
my Lord with all my heart
I say thank you.
Nights were overflowing with thinking
and daytimes were spent dreaming;
reasoning was retreating,
racing ever further from grasp.
I stop now to say thank you
for sanity's returning.
The days when I am stretched thin
to the point of breaking;
I thank you for being the elastic
that bounces me back into
the realm of normal living.
I thank you for the peace within
when without is not so
and when in this world I can
no longer abide, I thank you
for the cleft in which you cover me.
You came to this earth, the model of humbleness,
thus you give me reason to be quiet and listen,
and for this I thank you.
I was a desert and you my restoration.
Tear drops that long ago ran empty,
now well up in welcome weeping
Thank you for the moisture, much needed.
The love with which you carried the sins
of the world to Calvary is beyond
my comprehension; and so I humbly profess
my love to you and gratitude eternal.
Thank you my Savior,
my soul you redeemed.
Seven times seventy is hard enough
to understand, but
every
time
I bend my knee and ask
you take my burden and
wash me pure and clean-
Lord, thank you for gifting me
with Your forgiveness.
You are the air I breathe,
you are my heart's beating-
Lord you are all of this
and more than I can voice, thank you,
You are everything to me.
#10. Out of the muck into the mire
Packed down and stuffed
under heavy encumbrances
under the meticulous hand stitched
quilting of darkness
lived a lie.
I thought it dead
and long buried, but it had need
of repentance and so it started to fester
and swell.
Unwisely, I tried to ignore it,
but eventually it became monumental
in proportion.
Confusion fueled an equally great
desire for pardon
and need to continue hiding it.
And then came the fateful day
it exploded.
Broke the sound barrier
it did.
Flattened anyone
close enough
to care.
One look at your pride, so wounded
and your self righteous indignation
and I take off my hat
of hypocrisy and like a frisbee
sent it sailing.
It's no longer my turn
to wear it.
It suits you well, I decide,
as you angrily strut your defiance.
I doubt you will notice any sooner
than I did
that it gradually tightens
its grip
until its nearly impossible to think rationally
much less get rid of it.
I watch you twist under its influence
and sorrow at how quickly you fell
helpless and unwilling to fight
the power of words to draw one in
and ensnare.
I am out of my own muck, and into the mire
of your loudly professed poison
but I am fighting hard
to remain clear headed and
thinking, thankful
to be free from
the brain freeze
of deception
Lord I am guilty, I wielded the blade.
I am reaping the harvest of bad seeds
long ago planted.
Deep rooted, this destruction
has been watched, watered and
fertilized by the evil one.
You see me Lord?
You are with me?
Then I know I can make it through.
Teach me to trust you as Lord,
not just a name spoken,
but truly my
Lord.
I submit to thee.
Show me my wrongs, help me
to accept blame for myself and my actions.
Show me when to rectify
and when I can do no more.
I made this mess, but I cannot fix it.
I turn it over to you, please repair
the damage I have done Father.
Mature my faith, as I totter
one step further
out of this valley of darkness.
Lord without you I cannot
get beyond
this.
Packed down and stuffed
under heavy encumbrances
under the meticulous hand stitched
quilting of darkness
lives a lie...
#11. Heaven bound
the narrow path
they say leads unto a city with
walls of pure gold,
like unto pure glass and laden with
all manner of precious stones
a city where we shall be outfitted with
a brand new body
we shall have illumination with
never a dark and fearful night
and though I stumble often
I am determined to not turn
from my goal, but its not the with's
that keep me on the path
it's the promised without's
for without pain
I could do without a
heavenly body
this old frame of mine
would get me around just fine
without tears
dirt walls would shelter as well
as glass
without mourning
what would I fear from night?
without evil...oh what I would give
to be without the evil's lies and destruction
without weariness...need I say more?
what care I for gold and silver
what care I for stones that glitter
just give me the feet of my Lord
that I may bow in adoration
give me the river of water of life
and the smile of my Savior
Oh how I wish Lord,
that it would come sooner
than later, but while
you still find need for me here
Lord let my heart be Heaven
bound.
#12 On the plateau
My abc's keep bumping
into my z's and dizziness
does not articulate well;
speaking falls
just out of reach.
The few words I am able
to formulate are
dreadfully close to falling
off the edge
of this fragile perimeter.
Faith's directive is to accept-
there is no way off;
this merry go round
lasts a lifetime.
Sensibility insists
I must grow up.
Lord plant me in the center
of your will, keep my eyes
on You, saturated in Your Grace,
nourished with Your Word.
Lord, if twist I must then let me
raise my hands in adoration
as You bend me this way
and that.
Let me reach ever upwards
until Heaven's door is opened
unto me.
#13. Never ending
Lord
let my longing
be a circular thing.
Leaving my fingertips
yearning, reaching for You;
rewarded with fulfillment.
And once grasped
and partaken
it sets out
again
#14. The weight of my walk
It has been some time
since I cut onions.
I forgot;
they make you cry.
This world tends
to freeze dry
all of its wonderful flavors
grind them down and
package them pretty.
Easy to buy, easy to
use
but not
no never quite
as good
as the real thing.
Lord let me be real
let the weight
of my walk
be worth
the price You paid
for me.
#15. On the rocks
Out of the buffeting seas
you plucked me.
On the rock
you placed me.
Your waves of grace
softly cleanse;
I would and could
stay here forever.
The soothing sounds
of your love serving
only to encourage
my longing;
but on the shore
there are those who
point
to my predicament.
I motion to them.
Share my peace;
share the grace that is
freely given.
They perceive my actions
as fool-hearted
floundering...
and if I scream
I know they will not hear me.
So I dive in.
I will go and get them.
#16. Son Shine
the care taker
did
not
take care
what was
given for
safekeeping
went without
sustenance
without
provisions
without
what is
right
the care
taker then
cursed her
for the
lack of
delight
but resilience
prevailed
for without
future
without
hope
her roots
dug deeper
she reached
Up
and found
Light
and
she is
flourishing
in the
Son
#17. Provision from Above
Crushed metal and sinew
doesn't make for a very good
breadbasket;
full of holes, all my thoughts
have fallen through.
Now out of words
I look behind to retrace my steps
but the trail has been cleared
by the caterwauling word thieves
that inhabit my brain.
I am lost.
I do not know where I am going.
I do not know where I have been.
I dare not move for fear
of stuttering over previous utterances;
but stationary
is dying.
Backtracking is not an option
and emptiness in my breadbasket remains.
I must look Above
for Provisions.
The Way is taught
and learned Word by Word and I
proceed with precision
faithfully fastening
each breadcrumb
I am provided
to paper.
#18. whispered thank Yous
I wish I were a bird
free to feather
my way across the sky
no tomorrow no
yesterday
and God doth provide
no
I wish not for lilting cares
with no passion to heat
my imaginings
would that
your touch sent shuddering
eruptions of hot
lava steaming into
my tempestuous sea
no
today even passion
is not a must
I wish simply for the curve
of my lips to lift
my heavy eyes
for the feel of You
in my heart
to make it sing
waning joy
is what drives this need
lack of gratitude its seed;
in my mind,
I slip softly to my knees
#19. The fallen must call
Lord
by
faith
I
hang
upon
Your
every
word
concentrating moment by moment on not
letting
go.
Like a crash and burn movie
life time after time flicks
images upon hurt
and damages upon emotions
intent on altering-
on owning-
the path before
my eyes
and
Lord I
know
I know
I
know
that
faith
must
hold
tight
and
Lord I know that I must focus on not
letting
loose.
But Lord it seems I am but a would be
saint
far from perfect
and
there
is
no
way
for
me
under
my
own
power
to
get back up there from
down
here
except to call Your name
and look to You
for help.
The fallen must call, Lord
lift me up
please
hear
my implore.
#20. First Light
Shattered, reeling,
broken and begging
I question without answer,
for there is no apparent reason.
On top of my existing overload
even a feather is unfathomable
and Lord You and I both know
that this straw
is one straw too many.
The confusion of this reality
is unarguable - so much there is
that is not understood but this I know,
God does not lie
and He promised not to
give me
more
than I can take.
Resistance refuses acceptance
but with all choices eliminated,
time crumples into
silent weeping.
Prior boldness is replaced by
Faith's soft whispers
Lord if I must
then let me
break.
Closed eyed, clarity
and breathing gradually
become consensual.
Your answer is Grace
and it is sufficient.
All that is I
gradually diminishes.
#21. when it's all you have
the substance of things hoped for
but not yet seen
that's what they say
yes that's what I've read
and heard said more than
once
but on this dark sleepless night
the definition echoes hollowly
through my forgiven
but unforgotten ghosts
and my fingers insist
I leave the comfort of my covers
and query the possibility
of a life living in
pretense
but when it's all you have
I tell my fingers and
doubt decidedly drops
our toe tips
scorching into
hell's fire
as opposed to the times
of steadfast belief
that assuredly inches
us higher
and when it's all you have
then so what
I tell my fingers
so what if the strand
we hold onto
cannot be seen
when it's all you have
loosening one's grip
is not merely a lack of faith
it is insanity
surely there lives in us a hope
for life ever after
for if not I tell my fingers...then
why hold on at all
why not
just let go
but when it's all you have
you hold on
#22. Without an Amen
You, my Father, are due a devotion
of love that is continual, just as you are,
with no beginning and no end.
Ever loving and patient you wait for me
to hurdle my many weaknesses, for my tears
to well up in welcome, for my voice
to lift to you in song, for my pen to write
to you in verse.
Lord, I need you
to walk with me through this life;
to talk with me through this walk,
let me ever seek your comfort
your voice as one of a faithful friend,
warning me where my path is faulty
and filled with transgressions.
To your guidance open my eyes.
Your knowledge Lord, please give me more.
To your love, draw me ever near;
Lord never let me go.
In my heart build your temple that you
may know my every contemplation;
let my prayers be unceasing.
Lord I ask only to grow a little closer
to you each and every day, that my life
be my prayer to you and that I
will come to my close
without an amen.
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