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Dear
Sister
In
Christ
Biblical suggestions to the problems of Christian Women
If you are seeking a Biblical suggestion for a problem that you are dealing with or if you would like to write a Biblical suggestion for one of the problems below, please contact us at christianmirror@pdq.net.
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2/26
My husband deserted me.
Does anyone know how the church should handle a brother who deserts his wife? My husband has abandoned our marriage for the second time. We got married ___ years ago and then got divorced (due to his adultery and not wanting to
return to the marriage). I prayed for two years for a reconciliation. We started talking as friends again and decided to remarry in _____. We had a beautiful wedding. One of the things that didn't happen that I now realize should have was for us to get marriage counseling
before we reconciled. My husband promised we would do this, as well as he finally getting therapy for himself and his issues ( I have been in therapy for the past ___ years).
We were getting counseling at the beginning and then my husband decided that he didn't want to continue. I knew then that the marriage was headed for disaster. Basically, over a period of eight months, we ended up back in the same
marriage. My husband is depressed, has a borderline personality disorder, is lazy, and decided once again that he needed to leave the marriage and "go get himself together." For the second time he left and went back to his grandmother's house. Even though she professes to be a
Christian, she is allowing him to stay there instead of encouraging him to go back home and work on his marriage. He has a history of living with women, abandoning them, and then returning to her house. She has enabled him for years, which is one of the reasons he has not "grown up"
and learned to be a man who takes responsibility for his actions.
Our minister has been trying to contact him, but he will not return his calls. A few of the brothers want to go and speak with him even though he is in another State. I know that the 1 Timothy 5:8 states that "if anyone
does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." The first time the left he was never approached by any brothers and went back to his home congregation and was never rebuked for abandoning the marriage.
I am hoping history does not repeat itself. I hear people trying to use the verses in 1 Corinthians which speaks of both people agreeing to separate for a time (sexually) to justify his leaving, which I know scripturally isn't right.
This was not a case of mutual separation. What if any is the church's responsibility in dealing with a brother who does this? Would this be a sin if not repented from which would justify "disfellowshipping" from my husband.
I think so. Can someone please tell me if they know how the church should handle a matter such as this.
Also, another important issue was my husband's confession to me that he has been going through the motions, so to speak, of being a Christian for years and has not been sincere in his walk with the Lord. He was baptized at ____ years old
and I don't think he truly repented before he was baptized. His life has not been one in which you see a "new creature". I am now praying for his salvation.
Due to his confession and lifestyle in the past, my minister is now regarding him as an unbeliever (which I myself believe as well). He is stating now that I would be free to remarry if he chooses not to return to the marriage. I
love my husband and want to reconcile. I am praying for his salvation and return to the marriage. I need a biblical answer to how this situation should be handled.
Response to my husband deserted me.
3/1
I am so sorry that you are having so much trouble in your marriage. You seem like a person who has given a lot to make it work. I pray that you will be able to put this behind you.
Your husband is not a man who is trying to do the right thing. You stated that you have been married twice and have given your all to the marriage. I know that in life there are going to be people who
will not try to do the right thing, no matter how much you want them to, how much you pray for them or how much you talk to them. Your husband knows what is right and still refuses. There is not much that you can do.
When a man leaves his wife, it is good that the men of the church ( preferably the elders) go and talk to him and try to get him to come back and live right. Our experience in talking with men who leave as
you have described, don't want to do right at all. Your husband's " history of living with women, abandoning them and then returning to his grandmother's house" shows that he may not ever change. I am not saying that he can't, it's just unlikely that he will. They have made up
their minds that the ways of the world are worth the risk of hell. You can always pray and hope that he will change his mind, but it is best not to risk your own salvation on it. According to the scripture in Matthew 19: 3-11, it seems to me that you probably have the right to remarry because
he has committed adultery and more than once. Talk to the elders in your congregation about this, they will know you and you situation much better than I.
Specifically, in I Corinthians 5, Paul is speaking about a brother who was living with his father's wife in an adulterous situation. The church was told to part from him until he repented. You
have to remember that those people had been brought up in a pagan society and did not even know that there was a better way to live. This man was disciplined by the church and he returned to the fellowship of his brethren, repenting of his sins and changing. The church was then told to take
him back, forgive him and treat him as a brother who was lost and is found. That is the purpose of disfellowshipping someone.
In the case of your husband who goes to another place, it is rather hard to properly discipline. The congregations of the Lord are autonomous and one eldership does not have authority over another congregation. Your
elders might inform the elders of the church where your husband is attending of his problems, but they have no authority. They can't tell the elders there how to handle the problem. They might not do anything at all.
I think that an eldership should disfellowship such a person, but I also think that most of our congregations must change before it will work. So many times, there are people in the congregation who are on the edge, so
to speak. They are never really a part of the family and when they are disfellowshiped, it does not have the desired effect. The desired effect is to have something in the congregation (i.e. love, warmth, affection, support, etc) that a person would really miss when he is cut off. In
your husband's case, he probably would not miss the fellowship because he has never really felt a part of it anyway.
The 1 Corinthians 7:1-16 scripture is generally talking about a couple who is married and neither of them is a Christian. Then one is converted and the other decides that he doesn't want to live
with the Christian. When he leaves, you can't do much about it. Paul is telling us that we should not leave when our mate is willing to stay because we might convert them by the way that we live.
When Paul talks about the separating for an agreed time in verse 5, he is talking in the context of a happy marriage. He is saying that depriving one of the partners of sexual pleasures is wrong because it
may cause one to sin. If they (both husband and wife) decide to abstain for a time of prayer, it must be because they have agreed to do it.
11/28
Reconciliation
My husband is an alcoholic and I assumed an affair and filed for divorce this year. I was also very depressed the past year 1/2 and realized after seeing him go through rehab he is the husband I used to know and I love him very much. I have been through counseling and God has
been molding me alot! I have let go of alot. I explained to him I want to reconcile but he is afraid of causing me pain again. He has a woman win his life teetering and she has __ kids by __ different men, he caught her telling lies and she had lied and said she was pregnant with his child that he has
been fixed. He had been a strong Christian but the alcoholism became bigger. He is reading the Bible again. He has noticed changes in me. I have a new outlook on life now. I do not know what to do. I pray and pray but don't know how can I know there is absolutely no chance at remarriage. We have known
each other 25 years.
please pray for me and I would love to hear of others who reconciled.....faithful and hopeful
Response to reconciliation
11/24
It is wonderful that your former husband is trying to straighten out his life so that he can live closer to God. You didn't say how long you were married or how long you have been apart, so what I say may be assuming some things that are wrong. You probably lived with the
alcoholism for many years and then the infidelity along with his growing indifference to the church. Those things are very hard to live with and also very hard to change. You are seeing changes in his behavior and this could be because of many reasons. It could be that he has gone
through rehab and realized what is really important in his life and has really made changes that will be permanent. On the other hand, he could be feeling that since this other woman turned out to be a liar, he wants to try it with you again.
I understood that you are the one who asked to be reconciled. These things that caused your separation are huge. I think that you need to be very careful about getting back into marriage with him. If he has really changed and wants to be married to you, he will be
willing to wait and prove to you that he is a new man. I would want to wait a significant time, such as 3 or 4 years. You can date and be friends and be involved in each other's lives, but not live together. By this you will be able to tell if he is serious about wanting to make a real
life together. He must be sober, faithful to you and faithful to God during that time. You must also make any changes that would make for a better marriage. So many times when a couple separate for the reasons that you have separated, and then get back together it is for the wrong
reasons.
It seems that things have changed on the surface - it's almost like you are meeting for the first time and dating. But in reality, nothing has really changed and when you get back together, the old pattern starts again and everyone is hurt all over again. You have to be sure
that the changes are real and not just because some other woman won't have him. You have to rely on God and be strong. You don't want to go through the same thing again. I commend you for forgiving him and being willing to consider reconciliation, but be very careful.
11/16
Friend doesn't love husband
I have a friend who says she doesn't love her husband and really hasn't. She married the man ___ years ago when she found out she was pregnant. She was not a Christian at the time, but became one a couple of years ago. She has really changed
and really loves the Lord now. Unfortunately, her marriage has fallen apart. Her husband is jealous of her friends and relationships, her working as a ____, ___, and Sunday School teacher. She is a good mother to their now two children, and takes care of all the basic needs at home.
It is so hard for me since I really do understand how hard it must be, to be in a terrible marriage. I know her husband and he doesn't seem to know how to be a husband. He is several years older than her.
Tough situation....I just tell her that I am praying for her and she just cant keep pretending and "hanging in" . She can't go to any counselors in her town since it is a very small town and everyone knows everyone's business and I feel she
is afraid and can't trust anyone with her problems.
What can I suggest her. I am a very close friend who has moved away from where she is and we communicate a lot now since I am away from the situation and I am really trying to be a friend.
Thanks,
Response to friend doesn't love husband
11/28
I can't think of anything more miserable than being in an unloving marriage. You know that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) and that he wants us to cling to one another when we marry (Genesis 2:24 and Matthew 19:5) That said, I also know that God understands when
there are situations when the marriage must be dissolved. One of those situations is adultery. Jesus addresses that and the consequences in the first part of Matthew 19. The other situation is addressed by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7. I believe that in verses 10 - 16, Paul is talking
to those who are already married when they became Christians. That was a problem in the days of the early church because it was all new. There were times when one partner would obey the gospel and the other would not. He is telling them to stay with the partner who has not obeyed so that
you may "save your husband" (verse 16). On the other hand, the husband may not be willing to stay in the marriage. In that case, you let him go. If the marriage of your friend can be saved, it would be good so that the children will have an intact home and that the husband may
"observe her chaste and respectful behavior" (1 Peter 3:1-7). There have been many men (and wives, too) who have become faithful Christians just because their wife was faithful to the Lord. There is no greater love.
You also mentioned that your friend says that she never really loved her husband, even from the start. In many cultures, a spouse is picked for the children. They don't have the tradition of picking their own mates as we do here in America. They learn to love.
Of course, as I get older I realize that the love I felt for my husband on our wedding day was nothing compared to the way I feel about him now. Romantic love is not very long lasting. If that is all that we have, love will die. In the Bible, we are commanded to love our neighbor.
Jesus does not mean romantic love. He means the kind that will not wish them harm and do good for them when the opportunity arises. I love someone without really liking them. This relates to marriage in the same way. Romantic love is not the most important love. I have found
that love in a marriage will grow when the right attitudes prevail. I understand from your letter that this husband of your friend might not be very loveable at times. I have some suggestions for her (and they might not work, but it is worth a try). First, she needs to make up her mind
to give it a good try with the right attitude. She should remember all the reasons that she loved him in the first place. I'm assuming that there was feeling there at one time. Maybe it would be good to make a list of his good traits (good father, provider, etc.) and concentrate on them.
Everyone has some good traits. She should compliment him on them. Example: If he is a good father, she should decide to make a point of telling him at least once that she really appreciates the time he spends with the kids. She should try to think of at least one compliment per day
to give to him. Don't be insincere or give too many at one time. Who doesn't like to hear a compliment. Do this for a couple of weeks. Try to do the things that make him happy. I don't mean cater to all his whims and become his slave, but be genuine. Act like she
is in love.
It's easier to act yourself into a better way of feel than to feel yourself into a better way of acting. After she has done this for a while, she will feel better about herself and he should begin to treat her better. I can't guarantee that this will bring back
romantic love and make the marriage perfect, but it should smooth a few rough places. We tend to slack off when the relationship gets stagnant and then both partners slack and it only goes downhill. She will need to stop that downward spiral and work to get the momentum going back up. I
love to read what Paul says in Ephesians 5:22-33 about husbands and wives. He makes it clear that he is actually talking about the relationship of Christ to the church, but the comparison with marriage is beautiful. If my husband loves me enough to die for me, how can it be bad to be subject
to him?
I pray that you can help your friend with some of the things that I have said. Marriage is not always smooth and especially when there is a large age difference and the beginning was rough.
11/17
Lost a good friend
I would like to know if anyone has had the experience of having a very close friend and the friendship ended because of un-forgiveness on their part because of offenses done to them on your part, even though you apologized and did all you could to restore
the relationship. Also if anyone has had such a relationship restored or if they have any insight into my situation.
I feel I have truly let go of such a relationship but I still sometimes think of going back to that friend and trying to talk to her again. It's been a year and a half now since we've spoken. It's been so difficult because she said such painful things to me
only through email, and would never speak to me again after an incident between us and because we were so close. I always thought our relationship was a gift from God. I know she was going through some very tough times in her life. Still, I did so much for her before this incident and was always so
supportive with all the difficulties she was experiencing at the time.
I guess it bothers me too because I think no matter what she says surely she knows in her heart I am a good friend. She said I wasn't after I offended her and I had no idea my actions were even that offensive. I know that is not important but what is
important is that I know I am and God does too. Still, sometimes I have these thoughts.
Also why I think of approaching her is because she said some things to me that would probably cause her to be very embarrassed to approach me now even if she wanted to.......but then I think if she really cared she would apologize and humble herself. But then I think maybe I should try again, but then
I think why?! Sometimes I think maybe it wasn't meant to be. If anyone could help I would appreciate any insights. I have prayed about it and don't really feel lead either way. Thanks.
Response to lost a good friend
11/30
I have had a situation similar to yours and it has only recently happened. I very well know the stress and heartbreak losing a friendship can bring. However, I tried to talk to her and she said some very
hurtful things. In my situation, not only was this a very close friendship, but it is also a cousin and not just a cousin, but a double cousin.
I normally do not confront situations, but avoid any confrontations and just hold them inside. This was one of the things she threw up to me and she wanted to know who was "egging me on". I told
her no one, that I was trying to do the right thing and told her that when a brother has a fault with a brother, we are to go to them and that I had no problem with her, but she does have a problem and would not talk to me due to a family problem. She accused me of not sending her the same
information on emails as I did the others since I had sent her an email addressed only to her. I told her that I had talked to the others and she was wrong about that. I sent her updates concerning an aunt.
There have been family problems for years and I felt at some point in time that it would be continued on in the cousins and now it has. However, back to your question, I will not be screamed at nor be accused of
things I didn't do. I have washed my hands of this person and I love her very much. There is no reasoning with someone who thinks things are one way and they will not listen to the truth. I did a lot of things for this cousin, also. She is older by a few months, so I have always
had her in my life. We even lived together for ___ years. We were closer than sisters. But I have done what I feel like was the thing to do.
I went to her and tried to reason with her. I cannot help that this family has separated themselves from the rest of the family. So, I have washed my hands. It is very painful.
I do pray for her and the rest of my family, but that is all I can do. When a person makes up their mind that they do not want to listen to you, you cannot make them. It's like the old saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." You will be
in my prayers. Go to the Bible and get comfort out of God's word, especially in the psalms. May God be with you.
10/19
Mid-life sexual problems
I have a problem that I am concerned about. I am approaching midlife
and I have noticed a declining sex drive. I am concerned about this for
my marriage. My husband is a good Christian man, but after reading some
of the other problems that Christians have had with affairs I am
concerned that no one is immune to these problems. My husband knows
that I am approaching midlife and that I have almost no desire for sex.
It really frustrates me because I want to have a desire for it, but I
don't seem to be able to be enthusiastic about it. I also take a blood
pressure medication which I wonder sometimes if this is the cause for it
or if it is a midlife problem. Maybe it's both combined.
I have prayed about this situation, but I have not been able to see what
is it the Lord wants me to do. All of the doctors that I have talked to
about this sympathize and know that this is a common problem, but so far
they have offered very little or no help. I have tried talking to some
of my close friends about this to see if they have ever had the problem
or if they have any suggestions, but they seem closed mouthed and don't
talk about it. Then I feel embarrassed for even mentioning it. I just
don't know where to turn for help. I know my husband loves me but I
also know that a man Christian or not will not go forever without sex
and this is what worries me. I trust my husband, but I am not naive
enough to believe that he might not have an affair if the conditions
were right.
Can anyone help me?
Response to mid-life sexual problems
10/27
Following are 3 letters sent in by volunteers:
Hello,
I certainly sympathize with your low sexual desire. I am also married -- to a Christian for 34 years -- and am 53 years old. We do have a very satisfying relationship, but there are still times when our desires don't mesh --you know he wants to and I don't! But
it's never really a conflict, because we are very relaxed about the situation if one of us is too tired or not in the mood because of mental stress, etc -- because most of the time our intimate times together are very good.
Although I don't have a degree in counseling, I will try to tell you about some biblical and practical principles that have helped me.
First, are you in good health? If sex is the sllightest bit painful, that pain will kill desire. For instance, I personally have fought urinary tract infections for years and as a result also have to battle yeast infections. Any health issues need to confronted
and solved. Also, are you taking hormone replacement therapy such as prem-pro or premarin? They help in keeping our body supple and aid desire.
Second, an older book called, As I See Sex Through the Bible by Dr. Robert L. Pettus Jr. is an excellent source of information on the desire issure. An especially interesting section is the one on our five senses and how we are attracted to each other through
them. Desire can be stimulated and recreated. Our mates love it when we initiate sex. But I often tell my mate, the reason I don't initiate is because he always beats me to it! But it's a good thing that God gave one of the genders a higher sexual desire because if he hadn't, we'd probably never get
together! Our busy schedules and high stresses would keep us apart .
Sexual desire is only about 10 percent physical. Ninety percent is mental. Just knowing that should help, but here are a few tips to help get the mental mood going. Get in the habit of thinking about your husband. Sometimes, as we get older and have more people
in our lives, we get out of the habit of thinking about our husbands as our lovers, they have just become part of our routine. When we get in that rut we rob ourselves of a great companionship and intimacy. Wear clothes and colors that he prefers. Dress provocatively in the privacy of your home. Whisper
something intimate to him in a public setting. Give verbal admiration for his body. Plan an intimate evening at home: candles, shower together, a picnic of cheese, grapes and bread on your bed or on the den floor, watch a good romantic movie. Be creative. Think of something that is out of the
ordinary to entice him. Your planning the event will help get you in the mood. Dwell on the best time you ever had with your husband. It is okay to fantasize our about husbands! Plan a weekend get-away.
Buy some Christian Romance novels and read them to help you begin "thinking" romantic thoughts again! Christian Romance is good stuff. The ones I've read never cross into sin boundaries and always help me into a higher way of thinking about God!
My Christian mother told me, before my wedding, way back in the 60's, to always be available to my husband when it came to lovemaking, it's the principle Paul wrote about -- not withholding from each other, except for special abstinence for prayer or by consent
from each other -- going out of town or illness, etc. Paul and my mother's advice has served me well, and I always pass it on to others who ask. Often, I have not been in the mood, been tired or whatever other excuse I come up with in my mind -- but I rarely turn my husband down. And guess what? Some of
the times when I've dreaded sex the most, but went ahead, God truly freed my mind to enjoy the encounter with my husband -- often sublimely! Prayer certainly has its place in this realm of our life. I try to ask a blessing on our lovemaking when I am in the mood and when I am not. Asking for God's
help in satisfying our mates is very valid.
I will be praying that you find a Christian woman confidante. It is soooo nice to have a Christian sister to talk to who is not embarrassed about such issues and can talk frankly about details, if necessary. May God bless you. I will be praying for you. Please
write again and let me know how things are going, or if you have any more questions. Please know that I am rarely embarrassed by any question. We must be willing to assist each other in our quests to have godly marriages...Your sister in Christ
Menopause and high blood pressure cause us to lose our libido. With the lost
of our libido comes the lack of desire to kiss, hug, or be intimate with our
spouse. To say grin and bare it does not help. Female doctors are able to
prescribe estrogen, or testosterone which helps sometimes and is worth a try.
But, you have to suggest it they won't just come up with it. They don't
believe it helps, but believe me,__ it helps.
If you have talked to your husband about the problem then he will be open to
the suggestions I am going to give you. I did this with my husband when I
could not have sex for a year after surgery and during the beginning of
menopause and he thinks I am even more sexy than he use to think. Change up
your sex life. By that I mean do things that satisfy your mate and exclude
yourself. For instance: manipulate your husband in the shower, or with
lubricates in bed, on the coach or wherever the mood strikes you. Just
satisfy him. Put lubricates on your back above your butt and allow him to
pretend he is in you as he pumps himself. You'll find that being inventive,
helps to create desire in you that was gone and you'll both enjoy it. After
all men want what they think is naughty. Men who stray do so because of the
lack of attention from us. Give him plenty in new and inventive ways and he
will ride out this time of trial with you.
Dear Dwan,
Your writer seems burdened with the idea that men are animals and not creatures of free will. Perhaps the real problem is that she does not respect her husband's ability to continue loving her without thrown in the mix. Now there's an issue.
I suggest she have a frank talk with her husband about the situation. After all, it's his and her relationship. She may be very surprised to find that he's quite capable of adapting to the changes that inevitably come with aging. Or, she may learn that he's not not at all
willing to forego while she mentally and physically readjusts to her changing desires.
In either case, at least the two of them will be communicating with each other. That would be a big improvement over the current situation, where she assumes she knows what he is thinking and how he will respond.
Beyond that, what's wrong with taking control of one's own medical care? One does not have to accept a doctor's care without question. Perhaps a medication can be adjusted or changed. Perhaps some hormone replacement therapy would be appropriate. Perhaps even some personal
counseling for either the woman (unresolved issues can have a huge impact on sexual desire) or the couple to help them learn to communicate more openly and honestly with each other would help.
And, of course, there is prayer. There are situations in life that we must accept. If my arm is cut off, my fervent prayer (in my experience) will not grow it back. However, my fervent prayer can help me to adjust in healthy, productive ways and can help me grow into a
person or relationship not possible before.
Ever the optimist, I see that once we stop looking at the problem we start seeing the opportunity.
I wish the couple well as decide to grow in their relationship.
9/19
Granddaughter out of control
Please pray for me, my granddaughter, and great granddaughter. For the past six months I have been caring for my great granddaughter and helping my granddaughter get her high school diploma.
She came to me as an unwed mother on the streets in ________ because her family had taken all they could of her drug habit and her stealing from the family and had totally tossed her out in the streets and the freezing cold.
She has completed her high school and got her diploma but is now turning back to her old was of lying and entertaining the wrong kind of friends and has turned away from the church .
The little girl ______ is a beautiful baby and such a happy little thing. The father is in _______ but has threatened my family , _______ and my granddaughter.
Please pray that my granddaughter will return to church and seek Christian friends before she gets back into the same situation she was in before.
I am ____ years old and need your prayers that God will give me the strength and health to continue caring for these two precious girls in my life.
If you have any suggestions please feel free to advise me as what to do in this situation.
I'm sick from worry and loss of sleep from this situation.
9/25
Response to granddaughter out of control
Dear Sister in Christ,
You certainly are in my prayers and may God bless you during this time with
your granddaughter and great granddaughter. You have opened your home and
taken them in. I don't know why your granddaughter can't or won't see what
she's getting into. I know you have given her a good Christian example and
want the best for her. Has your granddaughter tried counseling? I know
counseling sometimes is not the thing that they want to do, but there is
some reason that she keeps going back to her old friends and old lifestyle.
She needs love and understanding, which I'm sure you have given her, but she
also needs tough love, which is a little different. Tough love is an
agreement that is talked about what the expectations are and an agreement is
signed. If the agreement is broken, the consequences of the actions have to
be dealt with. In her case, are you letting her make you an enabler? Do
you keep ____ so she can go out and be with her old friends? Is there an
older Christian lady, but not very much older than your granddaughter, that
can befriend her and maybe get her interested in doing things with that age
group and with other Christians? I know it must be hard for your
granddaughter to have friends in the situation she is in. She probably
feels out of place with others her age that are in the church. I don't
understand why _____ father is threatening your family. Is he
threatening to take the baby away or is he threatening physical harm?
_____ could be taken away from your granddaughter if the father is trying
to prove that she is an unfit mother. I know all of this does put a burden
on your heart and yes, causes lack of sleep. One thing I do know from
dealing with our children and grandchildren, is that you do the best you can
do and you have to let go and let God take over. I know this is hard.
Please try to let go of your worries and let God give you peace and comfort.
We know He is with us - we have that promise in Matthew 28:20. We are also
told that all things work together for good for them that love God, to them
who are called according to His purpose: Romans 8:28. It doesn't say that
all things that are done are good, but that good will come out of it. James
tells us that we will have trials and tribulations and the trying of our
faith works patience. May God bless you and help you be strong. "Father, I
pray that you hear my prayer for this our sister is trying to help her
granddaughter and _____. Be with her granddaughter and give her the
strength to say no to the things that are not good for her. Help her find
the type of friends that will help her seek Your ways and be a good
influence for _____. Please be with this kind grandmother as she is
struggling to help her granddaughter see that she needs the church and the
love and support of Christians. Give this grandmother peace and rest from
worry. Let her continue to have the strength and health she needs to
continue showing her granddaughter Your way. Wrap your loving arms around
them and carry them in times of difficulty. In Jesus' name, Amen."
______________________________________________
Dear Grandmother -
I commend you for your strength and determination to help
your grandchildren. You are responding out of love and doing what a
wonderful grandmother would do in a situation like this. But Grand-mother,
not being disrespectful, your age is against you. Your granddaughter has to
realize that you are not physically nor emotionally able of take on such
stress and responsibility. May I suggest something to you? If you don't
feel that you can talk with your grandchild have someone else (minister,
elder, etc.) sit down and explain this to her. She may feel that you are
betraying her, especially if she is still flirting with drugs. She may even
think you are disserting her, but she needs to realize that she needs to
take care of herself and child. Grandmother, I have been in your shoes, but
it was with my daughter who had two children of her own at the age of 16.
It was heartbreaking to do, but my husband and I had to make a decision. We
had to let her know when she turned 18 that she had to do something
immediately to start taking care of herself and her children. They were her
responsibility and not her parents. She was very upset with us but after a
while she realized that this was the best thing for her. We prayed that no
matter where they ended up that God would take care of our grandchildren.
Our daughter could take care of herself but the grandchildren could not.
They totally depended on their mother. Grandmother, God answered our
prayers. They were not always in the best of condition, but God was there
with them taking care of them. I know that God is faithful to his promises.
He said He will never leave His children nor forsake them. Our children or
grandchildren need to know that we love them but not to the point of
handicapping them. Grandmother, you have raised your children and you
deserve to live the rest of your life to the fullest. I will be praying
for you.
8/22
Help me stop smoking!
I am a Christian woman struggling with smoking. I have tried and tried to quit. I say I want to quit. I know I should quit but I can't seem to get past the first day without a cigarette. Have any of you struggled with this problem?
How have others of you been able to quit and stay quit? I would so appreciate your posting some ideas that I might be able to try and succeed with. I know all the intellectual reasons to quit and yet knowledge does not translate into action. Also if I can quit I can be an example for my
daughters and would make my husband very happy. He is not a Christian and this would be one more way to show him that his wanting me to quit is important to me also. Thank you for your help in this.
Up in smoke.
Response to Help me stop smoking
8/29
I, too, know what it is like to want to quit smoking. I quit while I was pregnant with my son, but a few months after he was born, I started back. My husband is a smoker, so I am always around it. I began to feel poorly after
starting back, so I quit. I did well for months and months, but then began to smoke 1 cigarette here and there. Then I got to the point that I was rushing home from work everyday just to go onto the porch and have 1 cigarette for the evening. I then decided "enough is
enough" and prayed about it and ultimately promised God that I would never smoke again. Trust me, if you do that, you'll stop in your tracks when you pick up a cigarette; you'll ask yourself "Is smoking this cigarette really worth breaking a promise to my Father?" There was one
day that was a particularly hard day, one of those in which everything goes wrong, that I sat on my front porch swing arguing with a cigarette! Seriously! I was asking it how a stupid piece of paper with dried leaves could have such a hold on my life! I didn't smoke it, and now I can be
around other smokers and not once wish I could have one for myself! You can do it!!!
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1Cor
10:13 RSV
Your Sister in Christ,
7/29
A Divided Household?
Dear Sister In Christ,
I am a Christian woman and I am raising 2 wonderful children, one of whom has asked Jesus into her life. The problem I have is that my husband does not attend church with us, he doesn't pray at all. To tell the truth, I fear that he doesn't believe in God. There was a short time in our marriage that he did go to church and he had prayed the sinner's prayer. He has fallen
back on all that now. I've asked him to join us when we attend church, he has told me that he likes his life just fine the was it is and that I need to leave it alone. The hardest thing to deal with through this is that it is a horrible example to the children, for our son wants to be just like his dad.
My husband insists that both children continue to go with me to the church services because he says it is good for them. If it is good for them, then it should be good for him! I have prayed about this and am still praying for God to work in my husband's life and turn him around. I would just like to hear some advice. Has anyone else dealt with this situation and how do you
overcome it?
A worried wife
Response to A Divided Household
8/7
Dear Sister in Christ:
My husband and I have been married __ years, 9 of which he was not a Christian. During this time we have had two wonderful children. Many people do not understand the sadness that a women feels when her husband is not a Christian, and yes, the embarrassment from the way he chooses to live his
life. First of all, I would recommend for you, if you do not already, to have a Christian sister that you can confide in completely. This will help you to be strong spiritually. Gal. 6:2 instructs us to "carry each others burdens". Knowing that there is someone who will listen
and not judge your situation will lighten your load.
Second, talk to your children honestly. Explain to them that their father is not a Christian and the you should pray for him as a family as well as individually. I know that we do not like to show our children our faults, but in this case I think it is important for two reasons. One, so they
will understand that this is wrong and they will strive to do better. The other, is so that they may take part in uplifting your husband and setting a good example for him. Even as adults we can learn so much from our children.
Thirdly, talk honestly to your husband when the opportunity arises. Do not put him down or force the issue. I know this is difficult when the person you love is living in sin, but "sugar catches more flies than salt".
Do not be discouraged. At the age of _, my husband accepted Christ into his life and obeyed the gospel. At the age of 64, my father accepted Christ into his life and obeyed the gospel. Both of these cases I attribute to their children living a Christian life, setting a good example,
speaking to them about Christ and all credit to the Lord Jesus Christ for the harvest!!!
Good luck to you and your family. May the Lord bless and keep you.
Christian Love,
6/9
What
causes a man to turn to pornography?
My husband and I have
been married for almost ____ years. We have two children
ages ___ and _____. We were Christians when we were married
and still are. A couple of weeks ago I discovered some files
in our computer which showed that my husband has been looking at
pornography sites. It showed that he had been viewing these site
at 2:00 and 4:00am while everyone was asleep. I often
wondered why he would be up so late at night. He works a
swing sift, but I still thought it unusual for him to come to bed
at three or four in the morning. I noticed that he would
access these sites about once or twice a month.
I prayed before I confronted him about it because I wanted to
approach him in a way that Jesus would have me. God gave me
the scripture in Galatians 5:1. As I read this scripture, I
knew that I had to comfort my husband in a meek and humble way
regardless of how I felt inside.
I would like to know from you or any of your Christian readers,
what causes a Christian, married man to turn to porn? We get
along very well as a married couple, and while our marriage is not
perfect we don't have any major marital problems. Your input
on this matter is much appreciated.
Responses
to What causes a man...
6/14
Dear Sister - I
appreciate the fact that you went to God before confronting your
husband with this situation. I know your husband appreciated
the fact that you came to him in a Godly spirit. I want to
assure you that this is a problem in many Christian homes, but it
can be worked out. There are several reasons why Christian
husbands go to these sites. One that I want to bring to your
attention is that he could be having health problems, i.e.
prostate problems which is a subject they do not want to talk
about. They are men and their egos are shattered when they
cannot perform sexually. Sex is the most important part of
their relationship and they think that it is the most important
part to their spouses as well. Instead of talking about
their problem, they seem to think that going to these websites
will boost their sexual drives and no one would know the wiser.
We as wives need to convince them that sex is only part of
our relationship - there is so much more. Another problem (which I
pray is not the case with your husband) is that there could be a
sex addiction problem. Sexual addiction is a problem that is
hard to stop without professional help. If professionally
treated and keeping God first, the problem can be overcome. Let
me suggest something to you - let him know that God has blessed
your family with this computer and it should be used for the
building up of the Church and not used for things that are of
Satan. God has blessed us all with new technologies and we
need to be good stewards of them as well as all things that God
has blessed us with. If your husband is truly a man of God,
he will make every effort to communicate with you or get the help
he needs.
5/25
Make-up?
Hello! I'm a girl of
18 and I am a Christian since 2 years, but now I really
wonder if I may use make-up and stuff... I can't get the question
out of my head...
It is a very serious problem for me... and I hope that you can
help me out of
that problem... I really want to do what God wants me to do.... I
hope to hear from you soon... Thank you very much...
Response
to Make-up
5/30
Dear Sister,
I really appreciate your willingness to do what God wants.
It shows you have a heart that is seeking to do the right thing.
As far as whether or not to wear make-up, I think the answer is
not whether to wear make-up, but whatever you do, wearing make-up
or anything else, to do all things in moderation.
Phil 4:5a says
"Let your moderation be known unto all men". There
are
several scriptures which apply to dress in general, but I don't
find the term
"make-up" specifically used. However the idea
would be the same. I Tim
2:9-10 talks about women adorning themselves in a modest apparel.
I think
this would apply to make-up. When you do this in moderation,
it does not
attract attention to you. You want to be made-up in a way
that anyone would not mistake you for someone other than a
Christian.
Putting on too much
make-up and wearing skimpy or provocative clothing is not
portraying Christ. We must set our example as doing whatever
would not reflect ill upon the body of Christ, the church.
Proverbs 31:10-31 tells of the virtuous woman. How we act
can also influence others whether we have on make-up or not.
We find in the Old
Testament that God is telling Samuel in I Samuel 16:7
"...that man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord
looketh on the heart." The Bible is not telling us to
wear make-up or even not to braid hair or wear gold (as in I Peter
3:3-5) but to have an ornament of a meek and quiet spirit. I hope
this has helped you come to a decision. I will keep you in
my prayers.
In Him,
Response
to Make-up
6/3
Dear Sister,
I am so happy that you
have been a Christian for two years. That is wonderful.
I am glad that you found the Lord.
Wearing make-up is a very serious question for young women to
think about. I commend you for thinking about it before just
doing it. I hope that in whatever you do, you will always
take the time to think things through and seek the advice of
others before making a decision. Before I answer your question, I
want to caution you about the economy. If you decide to wear
make-up don't be taken in that you have to wear a certain kind to
fit in with the group. Choose the makeup that is best suited
for your budget.
In our society today, it is O.K to wear make-up. Many women
feel as if they haven't gotten dressed if they don't have their
make-up on. Me, I am more natural. I wear make-up but if I
don't have time to put it on- oh well, I wear a SMILE and off I
go. I learned that from my husband. When we first
married, I worried about how I looked and I would ask him,
He would always (and still does) say "Let me see you
smile." I smile and he says GREAT!!!
Sister, if you want to wear make-up it is o.k. Have you been
taught that is wrong or just not allowed. I would really
like to know those answers. I don't want to go against what
your mother or father might be telling you.
But for a young lady at the age of 18 it is o.k. You might
want to try just a little mascara for your eye lashes and some lip
stick to start with. If you like that you can add some
foundation. Choose a color that is close to your natural
skin color and then a little blush. BUT don't put it on so
that it makes you look like a CLOWN. One summer, I worked at
a church camp in the kitchen, I was 14 and hadn't worn make-up.
My roommate was 18. She let me use her blush. Oh me,
those pictures of me back then --- I looked like a CLOWN. Go
easy on the color. You don't want it to jump out at people
you only want it to highlight your own natural beauty.
The main thing you need to consider is I Timothy 2:9 It
tells us that we as women should dress modestly and sensibly, not
with braided hair, or gold or pearls or costly attire. But
by good deeds. That is why a smile is the best make-up any
woman can wear. You can braid your hair if you want, wear
make-up and jewelry. But if you wear all of those things in
such a way to call attention to yourself - that's for the wrong
reason.
Good reasons for wearing makeup lightly is to highlight the
natural beauty that God gave us. Where ever you go and
whatever you do don't forget your smile.
I hope this helped you to answer the question of make-up for you.
I pray that it will and let me hear from you. You sound like
a remarkable young lady. God bless and keep you safe in His
care always. Read Colossians 3:17 also.
With you in God's hands,
Attracted
to another man
5/6
Dear Sister in Christ,
I have a problem or I guess weakness that I need to talk to
someone about. I
am a Christian and so is my husband. I am attracted to
another man. I know what is right from wrong, but Satan is
certainly tugging. I love my husband. He is a
wonderful person. Please pray for me and help me to get this
other man out of my mind. The other man and I are not ever
alone, but it's getting a little sticky. He makes me laugh.
He's always cutting up. My husband and I have had a
lot of things going on in our lives and to tell you the truth,
it's not been a wonderful
life. I know the scriptures, but Satan knows my weaknesses.
Response
to attracted to another man
5/16
The consequences are
devastating!
Having feelings about someone other than your spouse will
eventually destroy you. I've been there done that! It
started like you a flirtatious attitude toward someone. I meet
with an acquaintance one day many years ago (over 22 years) she
told me she had an affair, my reply was I would never do that
One week later I was involved in my first affair. This was the
first of many.
Satan too knew my weakness he fed on it. I blamed situations and
allowed them to be the reason for my affairs. Truth is it felt
good, the chase, the catch, the physical promiscuity. It did not
matter who I was hurting it felt good and I wanted that feeling.
The reasons we choose to do things outside of God's commands are
not important we all can find excuses for our actions.
I lived in chaos for the first 30 years of my life. Living for
the flesh only fulfilling the flesh. It did not matter
whom I walked on, whom I hurt. Who ever got in my path I walked
on. They were doormats.
The consequences are devastating! You have the thought of what
you have done in your mind at all times. For me it was an
addiction. I have a 22-year-old daughter that is not her
father's child. I have had to live with the turmoil I put my
family through.
It came to making a decision to become a child of God and ask
for His forgiveness for my sins and to learn to forgive myself,
to allow me to have His grace.
So, believe me I have been there and done that!
Response
to attracted to another man
5/16
Dear
Sister in Christ,
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Always remember that you are
a Christian
and that you are following Christ's example. You have made a vow
to God, your husband, and yourself that you will be faithful to your
marriage. This means in good times or in bad. Life does
get hectic and sometimes boring, but this does not mean your marriage
has to be boring. For some reason, you are attracted to this
other man even though you say you have a wonderful husband. What
is it that you are letting get to you in thinking about him instead of
your husband? What attracted you to your husband? What has
changed? You are to cleave to your husband and love him. You
said you are a Christian and know the scriptures. The book of I
Corinthians tells us in the 6th chapter that the unrighteous shall not
inherit the kingdom of God. It lists several unrighteous
sins and adulterers are also included in this list. Even though
you have not physically been an adulterer, you are certainly being
tempted. God has promised that He will help us flee temptation
by trusting in Him. The other man is not mentioned as being a
Christian and if he is not you are certainly not to encourage any
unrighteous relationship with him. In fact, you should be trying
to bring him to Christ if this be the case. You haven't said
whether your husband is aware of your feelings. But whether he
is aware or not you need to recommit to your marriage and not let
Satan have his way. Satan does know what our weaknesses are and
he knows just how to try to get to us. If this is a
private sin, you can ask for forgiveness from God and He will forgive
you, but this secret admiration has to stop in order for you to remain
pure in God's sight. You
would not want to bring reproach on the church. Fornication and
adultery can cause everlasting problems, not only in this life, but in
eternal life. Perhaps you and your husband need some marriage
counseling or you may have heard about the Marriage Enrichment
Seminars that have been going on for several years. There are
several good books on strengthening marriages. One book in
particular is by Dr. Paul Faulkner entitled "Making Things
Right". Please check into some of these options and try to
put your mind on doing what you know is right. God Bless You.
Next
- Click here to see letters from May 2001 to September
2000
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