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Fighting Parents
by Teresa Bell Kindred
www.teresakindred.com
"I wish Mommy and Daddy wouldn’t yell at each other
anymore," the little boy said.
I stopped what I was doing and glanced at the television. A
well known talk show hostess announced that the focus of her
show that day was children who are caught in the middle of
fighting parents.
"I feel like I’ve done something bad and it makes
them fight," said one child.
"I want things to be like they used to be," said
another.
One out of every two children in America will experience
the breakup of their home, and thousands more will witness
fights and arguments between the two people who are their most
influtential teachers: mom and dad. In many instances children
too young to understand exactly what it is their parents are
fighting about interpret their parent's disagreements to
mean (A) mom and dad don’t love each other any more, or (B)
mom and dad may get a divorce.
Listen to these words of a 12 year old girl about her
parents: "I don't like being with my parents at the same
time. I don't like it when my mom and dad say mean things
about each other. Mostly they are fighters using me as their
gun. Sometimes they are friends. But I know it is not for too
long. I don't believe it when they tell me everything will be
O.K."
Or these words from a grown woman who remembers hearing her
parents fight when she was a child. "My parents were
Christians who attended church every Sunday but during the
week they often fought like cats and dogs. I remember worrying
constantly that they would get a divorce. My mother assured me
that would never happen. When I asked them if they loved each
other they said they did but very rarely did I ever see any
signs of affection between them. As a result of their
fighting I promised myself when I married I would not do that
to my children. If my husband and I have disagreements we get
away from each other until we cool off, or we go in the
bedroom, shut the door, and talk softly. I want my
children's memories of their childhood to be of happy times
spent together, not mom and dad's constant feuding."
As parents we need to take a long, hard look at our
marriages and ask ourselves what we are teaching our children.
If during the course of a parental disagreement voices are
raised and insults hurled at one another, a child learns that
it’s okay to say mean and hateful things when you are angry,
and that mom and dad don’t really respect one another.
Parents are their children’s first and best role-model
for marriage. Do you have the type of marriage you want your
child to have? If the answer is "no" then it’s
time to do something about it.
*Remember the Greatest Commandment and the second greatest?
Matthew 22:37-38 "Love the Lord your God with all your
heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This the
first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it;
Love your neighbor as yourself."
If we love God we will keep His commandments and He has
specifically told us to love our neighbors. Who could be a
closer neighbor than your spouse?
*Study Ephesians 5:22-32 to help you remember how to treat
your partner.
*Watch the video of your wedding day, or look at your
wedding photo album as a reminder of your pledge to one
another and the vows you made in front of friends, family, and
God.
*Pray together. Someone wisely said, "A family who
prays together, stays together." Humble yourself before
God and ask for His help.
*Get counseling. Find a minister or professional marriage
counselor to help you through troubled times.
* Read Colossians 3:12-14 with your spouse as a reminder
to, "Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness,
humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and
forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.
Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues
put on love, which binds them all together in perfect
unity."
*Remain committed to your marriage and do whatever it takes
to make your marriage stronger.
If you really want to be a better parent, be a better
spouse. Work at filling your home with God’s love, not
earthly treasures. Memories of a peaceful Christian home are
something you can give your children that will benefit them
all the days of their lives.
(side bar) Staggering statistics
Alongside the nation's divorce rate the number of children
involved in divorce has also increased. Once, a couple
experiencing marriage difficulties would stay together for the
sake of their children. Today, children are increasingly seen
as secondary to the personal needs of the spouses.
* Between 1970 and 1996, the proportion of
children under 18 years of age living with one parent grew
from 12 percent to 28 percent.
*The number of children living with both parents declined
from 85 to 68 percent between 1970 and 1996. The proportion of
children living with one parent has grown from 12 percent to
28 percent during this same time span."
*The number of children involved in divorces and annulments
stood at 6.3 per 1,000 children under 18 years of age in 1950,
and 7.2 in 1960. By 1970 it had increased to 12.5; by 1975,
16.7; by 1980, the rate stood at 17.3, a 175 percent increase
from 1950. Since in 1972, one million American children every
year have seen their parents divorce. "
*Half of all children will witness the breakup of a
parent's marriage. Of these, close to half will also see the
breakup of a parent's second marriage."
*Divorce is consistently associated with juvenile emotional
disorders, crime, suicide, promiscuity and later marital
break-up."
How
to Have a Happy Marriage When You’re Busy Being Parents
By Elizabeth Pantley,
Author of Kid Cooperation, Perfect Parenting and Hidden Messages
Is your
marriage everything you ever hoped it could be? Or has it been
pushed down your list of priorities since having children?
Let’s face it, parenthood is a full-time job, and it
dramatically changes your marriage relationship. But marriage is
the foundation upon which your entire family is structured. If
your marriage is strong, your whole family will be strong; your
life will be more peaceful, you’ll be a better parent, and
you’ll, quite simply, have more fun in your life.
Make a
commitment
To create or
maintain a strong marriage you will have to take the first
critical step: You must be willing to put time, effort and
thought into your marriage. When I made this statement during a
lecture, one woman spoke up. She had a quiet voice, but she
spoke with determination, “Elizabeth, I hear you, and I know
what you say is right. But I have three preschoolers! I work
part time, do all my own housework, cooking, and laundry. I just
don’t have any more energy at the end of the day to “work”
on my marriage.”
I noticed
that several other women in the room were nodding their heads as
she spoke and they waited for my response. “I certainly
understand! I have four children and my own business, I know how
busy life can be. But let me ask you one vital question: how
would you like to have three preschoolers, work part time, do
your own housework, cooking, and laundry, and do it all as a
single mother? Because if you take care of everything else, and
neglect your marriage, that’s what could happen.”
Suddenly
every mother who nodded a minute ago was looking at me with wide
eyes. The thought that their marriage, which was at the very
bottom of their priority list, could be in jeopardy, hit them
very hard. I noticed that I now had the complete attention of
several of the fathers who earlier had been seemed lost in their
own thoughts.
Let’s take
another look at the commitment statement mentioned earlier. You
must be willing to put time, effort and thought into your
marriage. The ideas that follow will help you follow through on
this commitment and will put new life and meaning into your
marriage. A wonderful thing may happen. You may fall in love
with your spouse all over again. In addition, your children will
greatly benefit from your stronger relationship. Children fee
secure when they know that Mom and Dad love each
other—particularly in today’s world, where 50 percent of
marriages end in divorce; half of your children’s friends have
gone, or are going through a divorce; or maybe it’s your kids
who have survived a divorce and are now living in a new family
arrangement. Your
children need daily proof that their family life is stable and
predictable. When you make a commitment to your marriage, your
children will feel the difference. No, they won’t suffer from
neglect! They’ll blossom when your marriage—and their
homelife—is thriving.
So here’s
my challenge to you. Read the following suggestions and apply
them in your marriage for the next 30 days. Then evaluate your
marriage, and I guarantee you’ll both be happier.
Look for the
good, overlook the bad
You married
this person for many good reasons. Your partner has many
wonderful qualities. Your first step in adding sizzle to your
marriage is to look for the good and overlook the bad.
Make it a
habit to ignore the little annoying things — dirty socks on
the floor, a day-old coffee cup on the counter, worn out flannel
pajamas, an inelegant burp at the dinner table — and choose
instead to search for those things that make you smile: the way
he rolls on the floor with the baby; the fact that she made your
favorite cookies, the peace in knowing someone so well that you
can wear your worn out flannels or burp at the table.
Give two
compliments every day
Now that
you’ve committed to seeing the good in your partner, it’s
time to say it! This is a golden key to your mate’s heart. Our
world is so full of negative input, and we so rarely get
compliments from other people. When we do get a compliment, it
not only makes us feel great about ourselves, it actually makes
us feel great about the person giving the compliment! Think
about it! When your honey says, “You’re the best. I’m so
glad I married you.” It not only makes you feel loved, it
makes you feel more loving.
Compliments
are easy to give and they’re free. Compliments are powerful;
you just have to make the effort to say them. Anything works:
“Dinner was great, you make my favorite sauce.” “Thanks
for picking up the cleaning. It was very thoughtful, you saved
me a trip.” “That sweater looks great on you.”
Play
nice
That
may sound funny to you, but think about it. How many times do
you see -- or experience -- partners treating each other in
impolite, harsh ways that they’d never even treat a friend?
Sometimes we take our partners for granted and unintentionally
display rudeness. As the saying goes, if you have a choice
between being right and being nice, just choose to be nice. Or
to put this in the wise words of Bambi’s friend Thumper, the
bunny rabbit – “If you can’t say somethin’ nice don’t
say nothin’ at all.”
Pick
your battles
How
often have you heard this advice in relation to parenting? This
is great advice for child-rearing—and it’s great advice to
follow in your marriage as well. In any human relationship there
will be disagreement and conflict. The key here is to decide
which issues are worth pursuing and which are better off
ignored. By doing this, you’ll find much less negative energy
between you.
From
now on, anytime you feel annoyed, take a minute to examine the
issue at hand, and ask yourself a few questions. “How
important is this?” “Is this worth picking a fight over?”
“What would be the benefit of choosing this battle versus
letting it go?”
The
60 second cuddle
You
can often identify a newly married couple just by how much they
touch each other — holding hands, sitting close, touching
arms, kissing — just as you can spot an “oldly-married”
couple by how little they touch. Mothers, in particular, often
have less need for physical contact with their partners because
their babies and young children provide so much opportunity for
touch and cuddling that day’s end finds them “touched
fulfilled”. So
here’s a simple reminder: make the effort to touch your spouse
more often. A pat, a hug, a kiss, a shoulder massage – the
good feeling it produces for both of you far outweighs the
effort.
Here’s
the deal: Whenever you’ve been apart make it a rule that you
will take just 60 seconds to cuddle, touch and connect. This can
be addictive! If you follow this advice soon you’ll find
yourselves touching each other more often, and increasing the
romantic aspect of your relationship.
Spend
more time talking to and listening to your partner.
I
don’t mean, “Remember to pick up Jimmy’s soccer
uniform.” Or “I have a PTA meeting tonight.” Rather, get
into the habit of sharing your thoughts about what you read in
the paper, what you watch on TV, your hopes, your dreams, your
concerns. Take a special interest in those things that your
spouse is interested in and ask questions. And then listen to
the answers.
Spend
time with your spouse
It
can be very difficult for your marriage to thrive if you spend
all your time being “Mommy” and “Daddy”. You need to
spend regular time as “Husband” and “Wife”. This
doesn’t mean you have to take a two-week vacation in Hawaii.
(Although that might be nice, too!) Just take small daily
snippets of time when you can enjoy uninterrupted conversation,
or even just quiet companionship, without a baby on your hip, a
child tugging your shirtsleeve or a teenager begging for the car
keys. A daily morning walk around the block or a shared cup of
tea after all the children are in bed might work wonders to
re-connect you to each other. And yes, it’s quite fine to talk
about your children when you’re spending your time together,
because, after all, your children are one of the most important
connections you have in your relationship.
When
you and your spouse regularly connect in a way that nurtures
your relationship, you may find a renewed love between you, as
well as a refreshed vigor that will allow you to be a better,
more loving parent. You owe it to yourself — and to your kids
— to nurture your relationship.
So
take my challenge and use these ideas for the next 30 days. And
watch your marriage take on a whole new glow.
Parts
of this article are excerpted with permission by New Harbinger
Publications, Inc. and
by McGraw-Hill/Contemporary from books by Elizabeth Pantley: Kid
Cooperation and Hidden Messages
http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth
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